12 Lessons from

Big Thinkers

in Small Bodies

By Lu Hanessian

  1. 1.   Let me humble you.   


    Mom, I know you’re trying to do this “right,” but sometimes, I can see things about you that you can’t in the moment. Like, for example, when you’re rushing around all anxious and you’re telling me to hurry up and move it and I feel anxious too, so sometimes I slow down, not to irritate you, but because I want you to...slow...do-o-own...and be less anxious. Know what I mean?


  1. 2.   See things from where I stand.









  1. 3. Allow me to hold up a mirror to you. 







      

  1. 4. Heal your wounds so I don’t have to re-live them.      


        The story you bring to parenthood is not really mine, is it? Isn’t that why you get so upset with me for interrupting you, but 

even though it’s not the end of the world? You didn’t feel heard when you were little, so you think I’m silencing your voice

too? And when I don’t “listen” to you, you think I’m telling you that you don’t count? None of that is true for me...but I can

see that you are really sensitive to certain issues.. The thing is, I can’t do anything to heal it for you. So, I’ll keep doing

things that you think are coming from me, without me knowing it. I’m not a psychologist...(that’s a joke, Mom) and I’m not

your parent. And I know you are smart enough to figure out what still hurts, so you can heal it and I don’t have to feel it.                                                


  1. 5. Release me from the burden of your guilt.





        

6. Understand my full range of emotion.






7.Love me without (with less) fear. 





8.  Parent me as an advocate, not a judge.







9.  Preserve who I am. 




10. Know that our relationship is what shapes me, not rigid rules.





  1. 11.  Even in our healthiest attachment, respect that I am still a separate person.





  1. 12.  Let me raise you as you raise me. 








Lu Hanessian is the author of Let the Baby Drive: Navigating the Road of New Motherhood (2004), an award-winning journalist, parent educator and national speaker. She is the founder of the online parent growth & education site Parent2ParentU.com and a new socially-conscious company called WYSH Wear Your Spirit for Humanity (www.wearyourspirit.com)  Visit www.letthebabydrive.com for more information on Lu’s book, speaking and articles.

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So...what I do is remind you. I don’t mean to make you feel guilty or ashamed. I’m so sorry that you are carrying that stuff around with you from way before you knew me. I wish you could believe that you are amazing and I think you’re the best mom and dad for me even though you think you’re not or sometimes doubt it. I will hold a mirror to you. It won’t always be this neat and tidy picture where you see the truth and we all dance in the living room. Sometimes, the truth hurts and feels scary. But I’m not judging you. I won’t hurt you. I just really need you to clearly see your own reflection so you can love me.
I know sometimes I do things that “bother” you. I’m honestly not trying to aggravate you. But, when I’m in my messiest, most challenging, least ‘adorable’ state, I’m feeling out of control on the inside. So, telling me to “control myself” or giving me that look to stop what I’m doing or telling me I’ll lose something I love (like you) doesn’t help me understand why I’m feeling so awful on the inside--or how to feel better. It could be that I’m stressed. I know you don’t think I could be stressed because I’m a kid, but I get anxious. Sometimes, you and dad don’t talk a lot and I feel bad like something’s not right and I feel like I need to “wake you up”--or change the subject. Sometimes, I feel like you don’t see me. You’re so...busy. And sometimes, I just need a hug. You too?
I wish you could just get rid of that feeling that you do something wrong. It feels like a thundercloud over your head...and mine. Does feeling feeling guilty feel like something that holds you back from being the kind of person that you could be...and why wouldn’t you want to be your best self? It must feel so tiring and sad to feel guilty. You always tell me nobody’s perfect...
I know! I know! I’m all over the place. I’m up! I’m down! I’m trying to figure myself out and figure you out too. Just bear with me, please. And see what my anger really reminds you of from when you were a kid...same with my sadness or shyness or spontaneity and wild side. It’s good for me to express my emotions so I can understand what they’re telling me about myself.
I know you’re afraid of messing up, of feeling powerless, of me messing up, of all of your choices backfiring...but it’s just not good for us to ride the brakes ALL the time....
Sometimes, you judge me when I fall--not on the ground, but short of your expectations. You might judge me because you were judged, or because you are worried that other people will. But it feels bad for me. I need to know you’re in my corner. That won’t make me feel dependent and entitled...but the opposite: it will give me a feeling that I know you believe in me even when I fall.
When you follow all these lessons, you do something huge for me that you don’t even realize: you preserve who I am.
As long as our relationship is in a good place and I feel seen and known and heard by you, you are shaping my character, and I will respect your loving limits for me because I feel connected to you.
You might think you are taking care of me and making sure I don’t fail or feel hurt but, really, that’s not so good for me. I need to feel attached to you but not responsible for your feelings and needs. I need you to bond with me so I can attach in a healthy way. I’m me and you’re you, and together we make family.
I know you’re my guide. But...sometimes, I just might offer you a little of my own wisdom. You know?
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