THE SCIENCE OF CONNECTION

In our fear...
we often inadvertently buy into myths and falsehoods. Not just about parenting, but about our children and ourselves. And brain science shows us that once we invest in and repeat certain beliefs, actions and reactions, these perceptions become our brain chemistry, priming our brains to “read” situations through that filter of fear and defense. We get our backs up. Lose it. Snap. We find ourselves in ruts, unsure how we got there or how to extricate ourselves. We unwittingly re-enact old stories and parent with guilt, shame, reactivity, disconnection and regret. These become the stories of our parenting journey.

To bridge this gap between knowing better and loving better, we must dare to be aware. To see ourselves in our children’s eyes. To embark on healing journey of recognizing what we have been ‘missing’, how the pain of that unmet need has influenced our actions, self-concept, and relationships, have empathy for the child who is still alive in us, and recover the birthright of joy and peace we are here to experience and share. A priceless gift for our children. And theirs.

Our beliefs and perceptions...
about the roles children and parents “should” play are largely borne out of our own stories from our own childhood. Stories of how we first got our needs met or where the wounds of unmet needs still live--where our first attachment experiences from infancy have been wired into our neural circuitry. Everyone has a story. Our story is the lens through which we see the world. As Gregg Levoy, author of Callings says, “putting on a lens through which we can see our lives as a process of calls and responses.” How do we respond to our children? To our own needs? To the way relationship invites us into our own growth, development and healing?

This is a window into why we may “know better” but not necessarily act on what we know.

Context is key.
Knowing our baby’s needs gives us crucial information about what he’s feeling and how he’s communicating that need. Context is important in the toddler years as well when parents can be swift to interpret “the terrible two’s” instead of understanding the necessary and normal phase of exploration of self and the world. And as a child grows, context is critical to helping our children resolve conflict and understand the intensity of their own reactions and emotions. Our right brain is interested in context. We seek meaning and look for it in context, to make sense of our stories, of our dynamics, of our child’s emotions. We can’t truly understand our child’s needs, emotions and motivations if we do not know our own. In this light, our relationship is a two-way mirror that creates mutual empathy and understanding.

We are all born for connection.
A baby comes into the world with no agenda but to attach. With her larger right hemisphere, baby is non-verbal, born for love and belonging, soft-wired for connection. And yet, we, as parents and caregivers, might lose sight of our shared longing for connection, of our child’s need for empathy and attunement, and of the power of relationship. Every parent has a story. Our fears and defenses trip our emotional and physiological alarms, and we may find ourselves parenting with reactivity instead of connection; rage instead of reason; shame and humiliation instead of respect and humility. When we parent with fear and reactivity, we become neurobiologically disconnected from our right-brain capacity for empathy, intuition, connectedness and insight. We can develop ‘myth-perceptions’ about children, parents and the “right” way to raise our children.

A short video about attachment and the power of our stories.

All site content and material copyright Lu Hanessian, 2009.

All rights reserved. No part of this material may be reproduced without prior written consent. Please contact lu@letthebabydrive.com for permission.

Photos by Lisa Trakis for WYSH, LLC.

What is attachment?

Every person has a story...